how I feel right now.

I feel like my life is hanging by a thread.
Except it's not because my life is so tiny in comparison to the eternal life I am granted through the grace and mercy of God. I am to meet my undergrad coordinator to discuss "my situation". Her email worded it like that. What situation is this? A situation where my marks are under 70%. Like my brother said, this email is supposed to be a wake up call, but to me, I feel like I'm being so consumed by school that I really don't mind if God decides to take my life. But that means I'm chickening out. I really want to be a chicken (yes, you read right). I'm told to not give up. Yet I really want to give up. The efforts I'm making are clearly not recognized and I feel like there's really no point. In fact, it is as if I never worked hard to begin with and that I don't care about school. But here I am, typing up notes and just trying to do all that I can to pull up my marks. Yes, I am emotional and I just feel so terrible! I hate to be controlled by marks, how it determines whether I am a failure or not in school. And I know looking back at this, if I am still alive that is, that I'd laugh and say "and I thought that was a terrible experience".

Paul suffered more and yet he was able to rejoice all the more of the weaknesses and toils and sufferings he endured!

" ⁸ Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. ⁹ Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ¹⁰ That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I'm pleading with the Lord, to take this pain away, to just make the pain subside as I am taking notes. I don't know what I need to do to stay in this program. I think that ultimately, it is the strength, grace and mercy from God that will (IF He wills) keep me in this terrible program. Yes, I wrote terrible (fine. the program's not terrible terrible but it is to me right now). I know I am to find joy, and I do, with the friends I made but this program is just really constricting my flow of air uptake! I'm choking and what can I say but HALLELUJAH for this time of suffering. To be beaten up and smashed into pieces. All those times I've sat endlessly daydreaming about things I shouldn't even think about, things that wouldn't even come true. I've been slapped and its a good slap. I am no good for anyone. I can't say anything but say PRAISE THE LORD for He given me strength through this suffering.